Teen Tidbit #1 - Teens and The Peer Group (The Homies!)

The teen years or the "period of adolescence" is that season of time that a kid has to go through to transition from from being a child to being an adult.  If you think about the dichotomy of childhood vs. adulthood, right away you can begin to see how this could be a rocky road at best.

For example, let's just focus on the idea of dependence vs. independence.  A child is completely dependent on his parents.  An adult is relatively independent of his parents.  So going through adolescence means not only do you have to LEARN what it means to be an adult but, you also have to UNLEARN operating as a dependent child.  This in many ways explains alot of things.  For example, this may explain why your teenager's peer group becomes such a focal point of his life.  If you're 15 and your parent is your only friend, you're not moving towards independent adulthood.  Your relationship patterns are still stuck in childhood.

So as your teen moves towards adulthood and independence, they try to cultivate non-parental relationships.  This is not a well-worn road for them.  Many times during the transition from parents to friends, they have to painfully find out that everyone isn't reliable, trustworthy or excited about their every waking moment.  They want their peers to be enamored with them like their parents are but, usually come up short, even in the face of great effort.  Eventually, if they are healthy and have ... (uh-oh) supportive parents ... they figure the friend thing out.  And, if we look at this time as positively moving them into their own independence, we may be able to foster some patience and understanding in this area and actually appreciate this time of life.

Teen Tidbit #1 - STRATEGY!

Alright, all that sounds nice.  So what's the REAL PROBLEM?

"I don't like those Homies!  They ain't NUTHIN' BUT TROUBLE!"

Yes, we like the independence idea but, in actual practice, teens can make some jacked up choices!  Now I actually have more info on why this is but, we'll save that for the next Teen Tidbit.  In the meantime and in light of this reality, we have to strategize!  This is where some real parenting intervention is going to have to come into play.

Parenting Intervention #1 - "Help" your kids build the peer group

This is a strictly undercover, clandestined mission!  Your kids can never know what you're up to.  But, as a parent you're still alot smarter than Ray-Ray so you have to do what you have to do!  Help your kids form a peer group that you would approve of.  How?  Now admittedly, this trick works best the younger your kids are when you get started so, parents of grade-schoolers LISTEN UP!  But, the idea has merit regardless of your teen's age.  You'll just have to give it a more concerted effort if you're coming in late in the game.

First, find out what your kid enjoys or has special talent in.  NOT WHAT YOU ENJOY necessarily, but really get into the precious life that God has placed in your care.  Ask God to give you a vision of what abilities to nurture in your child.  If he's always drawing comic strips, that may be a clue.  If she's always got the hairbrush up to her lips singing every iTune, take note.  Then prayerfully begin to talk to your kid about the choir or mime team at church. OR, volunteer to organize a group of kids who will make the graphics and the flyers for the upcoming Youth Fashion Show.  Begin to talk about all the fun you used to have on the school band.  Then sacrifice and spring for some clarinet lessons if they seem to enjoy music.  Let them try their hand at a church-based track or chess team and help them to be faithful.  (And that's gonna be WORK!  Driving around and paying fees when you'd rather be home after a long day's work.  But, if you want to influence your child's friendship circle, it might be worth a try.)

Now unbeknownst to them you are beginning to help them fashion a group of friends that you don't mind (so much).  Throw the Fashion Show After-Party or take them to the Christian bookstore to pick out some music for the praise dance and then hit Mickey D's on the way back.  If your kid is an athlete, invite his or her teammates over to watch the game.  Before he knows it, he will be talking about his friends Sam and Quincy who are wonderful, productive kids just like your little Ray-Ray.  And they won't even be thinking about the thugs.  Then after a while, as they get into their upper teens, that same group will be going to the craft store on their own to get fringe for their dance costumes or will get together to organize the track team Car Wash fundraiser and you will be able to really see a nice return on all your HARD WORK.

And, they'll think they were so independent, PICKING THEIR OWN FRINDS AND ALL.  They won't even suspect that you had ANYTHING to do with it!  Now that you've acknowledged that they need good friends to mature, you're just helping set things up so that they "land" in the right patch.  THAT'S ALL!  And, don't forget just the basic plugging into the church's Youth Group and Youth worship.  This entire environment was designed for your kids to find and fellowship with Christian TEENS!

And if none of that works! ...

Parenting Intervention #2 - Systematically REDUCE all their spoiled-brat PRIVILIGES until they see YOUR Way of doing things.

This is a last resort but, hey, it happens.  If your kid is going to insist on hanging out with crack-heads, you have to save him from himself.  There's no use being able to drive my car and the only place you're going to go is to the hang out.  Also, if it's a really bad case, you might want to look into programs where he or she can temporarily reside and get some professional help.  This "tough love" approach is best while they are still under 18 because after that you won't have alot of options.

Teen Tidbit #2 - Teens Gone Wild?  

Teen Stragety #2 - "Praying the Scriptures"

I looked at one of my teens the other day and thought, "One of us is not going to make it." And then I thought, "...I'm sure your little friends will miss you."

Some teenagers can really test your commitment to that long-suffering character of Christ!

Because I have three teens, all in various stages of adolescent development, I have tried to unpack what it is about them that is so wearing. Generally speaking, I think teens can be particularly aggravating because they are so self-absorbed. Additionally, parenting involves our continuous selfless assistance which, unfortunately, may actually feed their grotesque ego-centricity. "It's all about me. What I want, how I'm looking. My world, my friends, my needs... ME, ME, MEEEE!"

Skreeech. Stop. Somebody needs to get saved. (not ruling myself out at this point!)  Somebody needs to be "crucified with Christ".

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Galations 2:20)

Developmentally, adolescents are feverishly trying on new identities as they approach a new scary world of adulthood leaving their protected, carefree childhood days behind. This does seem to explain the "Me" preoccupation. But I have to say, my kids are different kids when they are "in Christ" than when they are increasingly influenced by things "in this world". Some parents don't really think teens can truly separate from the ubiquitous influence of the world and be transformed by Christ. But they absolutely can. And when they are under the influence of the Holy Spirit, though not perfect, they definitely are people you don't mind feeding!

So, I started to pray. At first I was like, "God, you better get 'em 'cause I'm about to go to jail." Then, "God, punch their lights out... but do it in a way that when they regain consciousness, they will grow up and into some maturity - limp and all."

Now you can see why I thank God for the Intercessory Prayer Clinic! The very first scripture we learned to pray was Isaiah 11:2. Since I want each of my teens to develop in God, I'm claiming:

"The Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon Him, The Spirit of wisdom and understanding, The Spirit of counsel and might, The Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD"

Using God's Word seems like a much more effective approach!  Especially since Isaiah 55:11 says,

"So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth: It shall not return to me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

God is letting me know His Word is there for me during this time. As I reflect on these and other scriptures I actually start feeling like I have some back up! And the truth is, when the dust settles, I really do want all of us to be standing...

Not just me!  (...holla...)